Back when I was in school, talk was about courses, clubs/organizations, partying, gossip. 

Now that I’ve graduated, I’ve noticed that an overwhelming amount of conversations I have with both my single guy and girl friends is about relationships and significant others. And from listening to them and from my own experiences this past year, I think I’ve realized how naive I was about love. Sad to say…lately I’ve just been confused and disillusioned. 

1. How does love even work out at all??? Chemistry, compatibility, timing, effort and investment, communication. A ridiculous amount of factors. You can meet someone amazing at the wrong time, and you’ll never get the chance with them. What if I had chosen to be his Valentine instead of turning him down for the guy I was dating? Or what if the guys who asked me out in the past weeks had simply asked a few weeks earlier when I wasn’t stressing too much about MCAT to care about dating? What if the relationship was not long distance? What if, God forbid, we actually talked about what we wanted from a relationship???

2. Do soulmates even exist? I feel like the more I go on dates, the more I realize that more than one guy has the qualities I want. And many guys are alike. One guy asked me what I thought his favorite food was, and I literally regurgitated what another guy had told me, and he was like “OMG YOU’RE PSYCHIC!” Even with different guys, I have a sense of deja vu with conversations. And it seems like at least some of the guys I’ve met have the same values as me. Maybe it’s like what they say…there are definitely many people you can live the rest of your life with and be perfectly happy. 

3. And if so many people can fit the mold, how do you even choose which person to be with? They say that you “just know.” What feeling is that?! To me, that’s just some abstract term to describe something that some people have maybe somewhere experienced. It inspires the same feeling in me as “fluffy unicorns.” Do I hope they exist? Yes. Have I ever seen one or felt one? No. Except in movies. Freaking movies depicting unconditional love and unicorns and raising hopes.  

4. Plus, if no one is perfect, then you have to grow together and help each other grow.  But how do you choose who to invest in? Or who is worth the effort?

Jeez. What a headache. 

Sigh. Confusion on the days old question: chemistry or compatibility? What is more important in the end?

Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.