Lately, I’ve been in such a slump. I feel unmotivated, ambivalent. I feel out of control of my own life - it’s as if I’m just waiting for something good to happen to break the monotony that has become my life. For that email finally inviting me to a med school interview. For my project at work to finally take off. For those calls from my friends who I so dearly miss.
For a control freak like me, who always has a plan for where I’m going or what I’m doing, this feeling of having to just “wait” is absolutely unbearable. I feel like my life has been put on pause for the moment. I’m tired of anxiously waiting, of just working and going home and sleeping. I want to do things. It used to be all about working hard, playing harder. I miss those times of studying all night and seeing my hard work translate to my grades, and of de-stressing after a long week. I miss being able to go out with the girls on Thursday nights, of letting go on the dance floor, of midnight gossip in the living room. I miss feeling that I had a purpose. I miss that feeling of emotional release from singing with YP; I miss the students at Fairfax and feeling like I was making a difference in a life. I miss travelling, exploring Europe, meeting strangers. I miss having experiences and interactions that make me want to go to tumblr and spill my reflections, that inspire me to fix the world.
Maybe what I really miss is being able to put perspective on my life, to look outside of me and see what the world has to offer. I need to stop yearning for what used to be in LA and re-build a new life here in the Bay Area. To find purpose and meaning in the experiences and people I meet here. I can’t control whether med schools will want me, or if my experiments will give the results I want them to. But for some things, I am in control.